Journal Entry: Family Diaspora and History

Response: Very recently, my family dispersed. It is the first time in 23 years we have all been further than a province apart, and the first time in 23 years I have been further than a 15 minute drive from my parents, T and D. They now live in New Brunswick, my brother, A, lives in Texas, and I stayed in Calgary with my boyfriend, S.

This experience has been very difficult for me. Being out of contact with people who are used to seeing on a near-daily basis to a "Well maybe in December if I have the money"-basis is a huge change. Perhaps the most difficult for me is being separated from my mother, T. I am used to my father, D, being away on business trips for weeks at a time from when I was older, although I am aware that he was around much more when I was little. My mother, however, never had to travel much for her job, except for a weekend or so, but that was a rare incident. Being away from her is the most difficult. A, my brother, lived away from the family for roughly a year or so, as he had moved in with his (now ex-) girlfriend in British Columbia before moving back home. I am more accustomed to not hearing from him for months on end, so while I was very upset to see him go, it is still not quite as isolating as being apart from my mother.

Like what I suspect are many other families, we all have a plan to return to Ontario "some day" in the future. My parents have bought a retirement home outside of Ottawa, so their plan has a finality to it, whereas my brother and I have nothing concrete at the moment. The thought that my family will never be "together" again is a frightening, sobering and isolating one. It makes me feel very alone, despite the fact that I am living with my boyfriend and his family, who have all accepted me as their family. The fact remains that they are not my family, and I find no comfort there, regardless of their acceptance.

Self-Critique: The most obvious reason for my reaction is that we've never really been apart, nor have we had to be. I have been taught that family is important - but not necessarily my entire family. There has been a lot of emphasis on the nuclear family, and I think that much is very evident in my response. Even more than an emphasis on the nuclear family is the emphasis on the physical proximity of the family, which seems to be extremely important to me, regardless of the advances in technology today. I can reach my family by phone, e-mail, text, I can speak with them face-to-face over the internet, they are only a plane ride away, but this cannot replace actual face-to-face, "right in front of me," interaction.

I believe I've learned these values from various places, but most specifically from the internet culture I belong to. There is much emphasis put on the anonymity of internet, which has taught me that the internet is not a "real" place. I have certainly also been taught this by my family. My mother in particular is happy for the distance she used to have between herself and her mother, who is in Ottawa. (Ironic that she is returning there.) Regardless, she taught me that physical distance equals emotional distance, which obviously greatly distresses me, because I do not want to lose the emotional rapport with my mother in particular.

My own emphasis on the distance between my mother and I is, I'm sure, a reaction to how she feels toward her own mother, and that is a relationship I do not desire to emulate, especially considering the similarity in distance, where my mother now lives many provinces apart from me, and I live in Calgary. This ties directly into my many mentions of isolation and sensation of loneliness.

Cultural Critique: The dominant, Euro-Canadian, white culture I belong to puts a lot of importance on independence, especially at the age of 18. Not only are children expected to move out at that age, they are also expected to be at University, holding a job, and just generally being very independent, which implies a uselessness of parents. At the same time, there is a huge emphasis put on the nuclear family, which ignores the rest of the family, and implies a strong relationship (although also tumultuous) with parents and sibling(s). I am clearly a product of this culture as shown by my response.

At the same time, however, it is quite clear that independence is something that is so foistered on to teenagers so early that they view it as something they adopted on their own, as opposed to being forced into it. Then they hit their mid-20s, and realize they have grown up rather more quickly than they would have wished. This effect, combined with living on their own, "abandoning" their parents for independence, and growing up and apart from their family causes a reaction and regression, which is entirely opposite to what society and culture dictates they should be doing.

Independence, pushed upon teens by dominant culture, causes them to grow up and apart from family early, and they find too late that they miss their family as it once was.